I thought this would be an easy one! But I have been wrestling with it for weeks. Turns out it is not that easy a) to find inspiration, or b) to find an internet site that will publish it. Many of them have several months’ lead in time from submitting a work of brilliance to seeing it included on one of the many poetry forums.

In any case, I couldn’t think of anything to write. Nor find a genre that I am comfortable with.

‘I can’t think of anything to write a poem about’, I complained, plaintively last night. ‘Why don’t you do one about the pandas shagging at Edinburgh Zoo?’ suggested my other half. He can always be relied upon for a random idea. And in the absence of any other ideas, that is what I have done. And here it is:

Edinburgh’s first panda bear
is ready to mate, but beware:
Much hope is riding
on Mr Panda deciding
That he wishes to stick one up there.

She has but one chance in a year
A mistake will cost everyone dear.
The world and his dog
All gather agog
To see if he cares to come near.

A large scientific task force
Seek to influence nature’s course
With diets and tablets
And panda porn pamphlets
To part panda seed from its source

We have only the two panda bears
On loan from the east for 10 years
We must get them boffing
Or the zoo will be coughing
Up money, for nothing but tears.

Good heavens. I really must get a job soon.